Resolutions...  Ajjjjjjj, the disappointments... Smoke less. Expand creativity. Rest more. Hustle more. Carpe diem. Carpe the whole year shit, etc.  All contradictions.  Too much, too little.  Im throwing in the towel this year.  Im giving up.  Not on change (an inevitable constant), but on the game. 

Some of yall might know what I'm referring to.  

Its the game every outsider plays to gain entrance into the exclusive club of the others (and to stay inside).  Some times consciously (most sickening), some times out of survival, and at times catching lo que la vida throws at you.  The last 7 years of my life have been a constant rotation of jobs, work environments, social labrynths, fields of education, communities, positions of power, and enlightenment of my unprivelaged youth. This is completely disregarding the ping pong game of self-identity that evolved from being born in Mexico and growing up in the states (classic issue of 'too Mexican for some, not Mexican enough for others').  

Aside from everything I've mentioned leading up to this retirement, I consider myself a surprisingly genuine person.   I've been off the bench mostly out of necessity.  Most people who truly know me, know I'm a "I don't give a fuck" type of person.  Not of the 'punch you in the club' type, but the type that if I'm put off by your bullshit, I'll just walk away from you and you don't exist to me.   Don't exist. I keep it low energy. 

I've given enough fake smiles, nods, shows of interest, 'yes sirs', 'yes mams', 'yes masters', 'jes meestehrs' to last me 2 life times.  I'll, "Hey, what's that over there?" while OTHERS have boasted a cocktail of arrogance and ignorance.  All in the interest of keeping my job and advancing myself, my family and my color.  I'd say its been at a cost. 

I'm not sure I want to go back to the person I was when I was 18... but it's half time.  I'm getting some nachos and then getting the fuck out. 

2009.  I bid you farewell... puto

Im still closing off 2009, so below is a link to a set of my own, favorite photographs of 2009... familia, music, work, pleasure, observations, et al.

(cut and paste this link cause I don't know how this ish works)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/efephoto/sets/72157623310818812/show/